By Dan Blair, marriage therapist
Is there anything we can learn from hostage negotiators that applies to conflict resolution in relationships? While each scenario may have different outcomes, there may be something we can learn. Participants may feel similar: feeling threatened, unheard, trapped, or disrespected. We know the brain loses the ability to reason and listen when one is upset, as self-protection is prioritized.
Here are the top ten tips.
1. Don’t reinforce escalation with escalation
Negotiators generally don’t respond to increasing emotional intensity with equal intensity. This has an obvious marital application. Arguments quickly create more heat than light.
2. Regulate before you resolve
Hostage negotiators don’t begin with, “Let’s figure out who’s right.” They first try to lower arousal. In relationships, you can say, “We’re not going to solve this when we’re upset. Let’s do something first to feel better, or calmer, and then show that we understand each other.” Trying to talk it out when upset tends to reinforce both person’s fears. The more important the issue, the more important “cooler heads prevail” as people can think clearer and listen better when they are calmer. Just like we should not drink and drive, in communication, regulation precedes resolution.
3. Preserve dignity
This may be one of the most important lessons. People become much harder to negotiate with when they feel humiliated. In marriage, spouses frequently say things that may be factually accurate but relationally destructive:
“You are so selfish.”
“You’re just like your mother.”
“You’re impossible.”
Even if the underlying complaint is legitimate, attacking identity makes resolution impossible. A better approach is to preserve the person’s dignity while confronting the behavior: “When that happens, I feel shut out and I don’t know how to reconnect with you.”
4. Listen for the meaning underneath the words
Negotiators listen beyond the literal demand. While partners can easily feel attacked by the other, it then becomes impossible to identify the feelings driving the statements. One may say, “You never help around here!” The negotiator’s mindset isn’t, “That’s factually inaccurate.” It’s: “What does this person believe that means?”
Perhaps the underlying message is:
“I’m alone.”
“I don’t matter to you.”
“You don’t see how exhausted I am.”
This is very similar to what you see clinically with couples: the surface argument is often about the issue, while the emotional argument is about what the issue represents.
5. Label emotions rather than arguing against them
A major negotiation technique is essentially: “It sounds like you feel…” (It is not advisable to say, “That’s ridiculous,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.”) Naming the feeling, or rephrasing the statement is one of the most effective regulation tools. Imagine hearing, “I hear you are trying really hard to make this work, but you don’t know what will work. And, you feel alone.” That doesn’t mean agreeing with the person’s interpretation. It means acknowledging their internal experience.
Many do not feel comfortable with disagreement, but feeling comfortable disagreeing with your partner is essential for both of you to have the freedom to be honest. Importantly: validation ≠ agreement. You can say, “I can understand why that felt rejecting to you, even though I didn’t intend to reject you.”
6. Don’t fight the person’s position—get curious
Hostage negotiators try to discover the interests and needs underneath a stated position. A spouse may say, ““I want you to stop seeing your friends.” The immediate temptation is to respond, “You’re controlling me.” Instead, get curious instead of challenging. Try saying, “Help me understand what you’re afraid would happen if I continued seeing them.” Now you’re moving from position to their underlying concern. The same applies to money, sex, parenting, in-laws, household responsibilities, work, etc. The question becomes, “What problem is this demand trying to solve?”
7. Use questions more than persuasion
Negotiators often gather information rather than immediately supplying solutions. You could set a boundary and say: “You need to stop criticizing me.” Or, you could say, “Why do you always shut down?” A more informative, and interesting approach would be the question: “What happens inside you right before you criticize me?” Or, you could ask, “What are you experiencing when you decide it’s better not to respond?” Questions can move a couple from prosecution mode into exploration mode.
8. Don’t demand agreement as proof of understanding
One of the biggest marital mistakes is assuming: “If you understood me, you’d agree with me.” That is not necessarily true. A much more useful goal is: “Can you accurately tell me why your spouse sees it the way they do?”
People can have different perceptions, priorities, memories and preferences based on emotions and still reach mutual understanding. In fact, a powerful couples exercise is: “Before you defend yourself, tell your spouse what you think their position is—and keep going until they say, ‘Yes, that’s what I mean.’”
9. Give people a sense of autonomy
A person who feels trapped becomes harder to reason with. Negotiators therefore avoid unnecessarily cornering people. Marriage can work the same way. You could say, “You’re going to apologize right now.” Or, “I really want us to repair this. When you’re ready, I’d like to hear what you experienced.” The second doesn’t mean abandoning accountability. It reduces the experience of coercion. This is particularly important because people often become rigid when they perceive their self-determination to be threatened.
10. Small concessions can create movement
A hostage negotiator isn’t trying to prove: “The hostage-taker is wrong.” They’re trying to change the interaction sufficiently that a different outcome becomes possible. Negotiators look for small, genuine areas of agreement. In marriage, tension created by debating right and wrong (with each person amazed that the other does not get it). How about, “Can we agree that this has been painful for both of us?” Or, “Can we agree that neither of us wants this conversation to keep going this way?” That creates a small piece of common ground which can be built upon.
Couples often get stuck trying to determine:
Who started it?
Who is more justified?
Who has suffered more?
Who is the worse spouse?
The therapeutic question is often more productive: “What is happening between you right now, and what could each of you do differently that would cause the cycle to change?” That moves the couple from opponent vs. opponent to two people confronting a destructive pattern.
A useful framework for couples
You could almost turn hostage-negotiation principles into a five-step marital protocol:
1. Calm:
“Are we regulated enough to talk?”
2. Understand:
“What is my spouse actually experiencing?”
3. Label:
“Can I put words to the emotion underneath the complaint?”
4. Validate:
“Can I acknowledge their experience without necessarily agreeing with their interpretation?”
5. Collaborate:
“Now that we both understand what’s happening, what can we do differently?”
And perhaps the most important rule: Don’t try to solve the problem until both people feel understood. That works well with both crisis negotiation and couples.
Perhaps it would not hurt to learn some Verbal Judo.
