By Dan Blair, family and marriage counselor
We can all identify with stress. You can see how stress can not only leads to anger, which is a common emotion, but also anxiety, which can lead to substance use, depression and affect our most important relationships.
Responding to stress, anger, substance use, depression and relationships are in three categories: behavioral, emotional, and cognitive. Each of these issues has triggers, and there are ideas for how to respond to each trigger.
The brain is meant to be a survival machine and emotions are meant to help you survive. Taking a look at key parts of the brain, the amygdala is the brain’s alarm system, and the cingulate gyrus which plays a significant part in overthinking. It is like the brain gets stuck in first gear. The prefrontal cortext is meant to provide some brake fluid to stop overthinking and help you shift gears.
This is more problematic at night when you are trying to sleep. The brain selects the most intense memories as a guide for future action. So over time the brain becomes like velcro for negative experiences.
I’m sure you’ve heard of how the brain releases adrenaline and other stress hormones so quickly. It’s measured at 1/20 of a second, so it can be very difficult to control anger and anxiety. Your body is instantly affected, including heart rate and hyperventilation, and blood flow shifts from the brain and the digestive system to your muscle groups. Long-term stress can lead to cardiovascular issues, diabetes, a weakened immune system and even stroke or cancer.
Starting with anger, anger management often doesn’t work because the skills that you learn are shut off when you’re angry. Research shows that anger pathways are similar to happiness pathways as the reward center is activated. Anger is wired in there to give us energy, a sense of power and a way to justify our poor behavior. It is the rush that you feel that actually makes you feel better for the moment, but may lead to later regret.
Anxiety is part of the fight or flight process in the brain, runs similar pathways to anger, and is also fueled by adrenaline and other stress hormones. In fact, many of the symptoms of a panic attack are what you may feel after running for a long time. Here are the “F-words” associated with anxiety. We start by trying to fix the problem which may lead to frustration. Then we still try to figure it out, which may lead to overthinking. When we get tired of that we usually try to forget it using depression or substance use.
Substance use is often called both a problem and a solution. When it shows up as a problem, it is often in more than one of the following ways affecting your liver, lover, legal status, and livelihood. There are five signs of addiction. The first one is preoccupation. In other words when you’re thinking of letting off steam or having a good time you’re thinking of alcohol or another substance. Compulsion meant when around alcohol or other substances, you can’t resist it. You’ll find a way to justify it. Loss of control involves planning to take one or two but end up with three or four after you take the one or two. Tolerance shows up when you need more than you’re used to to get the same effect. Withdrawal shows up when you don’t take more of what you’re used to and you miss it.
Nine indicators of depression include sleep disturbances, feeling down, loss of interest, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, agitation, fatigue, self-judgment, and hopelessness. Especially alarming are thoughts of suicide. Sometimes we think it would be nice to be dead so we don’t have to deal with our problems. It’s another dangerous step when we begin to think of how we might kill ourselves. While it’s more common than you think, if someone does not get help right away, the risk increases. Here are three resources including 988, 911, or texting “home” to 741741.
All of these issues impact relationships, and relationships impact these issues. Conflict is inevitable. When we are upset with another person, we no longer have access to our relationship skills. We’re usually caught up in the moment wanting to prove the other person wrong, or they can’t treat us like that, and we want to be right and in control. Sometimes we know what we shouldn’t say or do but we still do it. To quote a well-known marriage therapist (Susan Johnson), in those moments when we’re upset we’re like a human being with your toes over a thousand-ft drop.
This is why a sense of safety is so important. When we feel safe and confident we can think the most clearly. I’d like to briefly introduce three areas that represent changes that you could make. This is not therapy; it’s just meant to be helpful. I have acronyms to help you remember the concepts in these three areas.
Behavioral changes you can make are represented by ACES. These are four areas are associated with a sense of well-being, and they’re all meant to be sources of positive energy.
A sense of accomplishment represents your daily routines that give you a feeling of accomplishment. We can use tools such as making a list, prioritizing it and putting it in some sort of schedule.
Connection with others are those important relationships, and can be sparked by random act of kindness or humor, and are available when you need help. It’s being a part of something bigger than yourself.
Enjoyment is energy and its sources include gratitude, hobbies, things you look forward to and things are happy you did.
Self-care is the final source of energy including sleeping right, eating right, exercise, taking breaks, and paying attention to your own emotions and needs.
Emotion can be defined as energy in motion, and when we have too much or too little energy, the following are techniques to help find balance. Since our brains have two modes, a striving mode and an experiential mode, we may need to focus more on the experiential or calming mode in the following ways.
The first is acceptance of what you’re feeling. Our brains are not designed to control our feelings; they’re meant to control our behavior. But we still need the information that feelings provide. What are we feeling and what are we needing? They can serve as feedback loops.
When you are angry or anxious, you are hyperventilating and deeper breathing can restore the correct ratio of oxygen and carbon dioxide. Take deep breaths, extending your stomach, not your chest, and through the nose so you take in less and out through your mouth so you expel more oxygen.
Come back to your senses by using calming or grounding techniques using your five senses. A way to regulate emotion is to focus completely on sound like music or relaxing sounds, engaging things to look at, a sense of touch including various textures, tastes and scents. Every time your mind wanders come back to your senses. One of the fastest ways to regulate your emotions is to put your face, or maybe your hands, in a bowl of ice water.
Distraction techniques are basically buying time while your body calms down. You’re waiting for the adrenaline to metabolize.
Expressive techniques can release emotion. Or, a byproduct of exercise is carbon dioxide which can reduce hyperventilation.
Challenging your thoughts is another way to gain perspective represented by the acronym TRUE. Asking yourself if a particular thought is true, a fact or a fear, then asking if it’s reasonable or useful, and finally adjust accordingly your expectations for the future.
Next, I like to present a series of triggers and self-talk for anger, anxiety, substance use, depression and relationships. Starting with anger, triggers can occur without you realizing it. It is usually some sort of hurt or fear, and anger can protect you and also numb pain. To deal with anger, we often have to take a closer look at what drives the anger. The answer is not actually other people’s stupidity.
We can all become aware of how we talk to ourselves and whether or not it is helpful. For anger, you can remind yourself that anger is not a good solution. Is it worth it? Take deep breaths, and wait an hour before responding. Don’t forget carrying anger is carrying stress. It is not good for you.
Anxiety is similar to anger. Triggers cause hurt or fear, and anxiety wants to distract us and want to get away. Acute anxiety can numb pain. Chronic anxiety makes it worse.
Self-talk for anxiety can include reminders to breathe deeply, just focus on the present, not the past or future, and see that you are okay in the present. When you are calmer, you can analyze what you’re afraid of and list your options.
Substance use triggers include all that we have been talking about including anger, anxiety, depression and relationship issues. Other triggers include a cause for celebration, or boredom.
Self-talk is ineffective if you are under the influence, but when you are sober you can ask yourself why you need to use a substance and see if there are any better alternatives including changes in behavior? If you choose to use a substance, how do you know where to set the limit? Do you ever decide to cross your own limits? Somewhere during the course of substance use, positive effects are not increased even though you are still using. Do you know when that is?
Depression triggers often occur when you feel stuck with no one to blame but yourself. Depression can serve to numb emotion, including your pain. It could also make you realize that you need to be more assertive. Fears however, may keep you stuck. You may criticize yourself before you get rejected by someone else.
You heard of the old saying pride and shame is just the same. Sometimes our shame comes from too high expectations for ourselves. I have to remind myself that I’m not better than others; others make big mistakes too. I also remind myself that my worth is not actually determined by my performance. My worth can be determined by my choice. I can ask myself what do I need to do for myself that I am not doing to take care of myself better.
Relationship triggers are often in subtle criticism and defense cycles. These can feel like an attack so people can respond in either aggressive or passive ways. Our brain would like to to use conflict resolution skills. But that part of our brain gets shut off when we are upset. It would usually take at least an hour, maybe longer, before you can use skills from the front part of your brain. This is the part of the brain that helps you put on the brakes, see the impact of behavior and switch gears. Only when you’re calm, can you access creative problem-solving, a sense of humor, integration of multiple perspectives and feelings, and use logic and memory.
Two important skills for conflict resolution are a disengagement policy between two people when somebody is upset with the other. Do not re-engage until you are ready to blend your perspective with the other person. Like a triangle, where each person is at the bottom two corners, the top of the triangle represents at least three options to solve the problem. Staying at the bottom of the triangle and trying to change the other person creates more heat than light. Stating feelings and asking for what is needed is more productive than arguing.
Anger, anxiety substance use, depression and relationship are complicated and seeking help from a qualified professional can help you feel the support you need to make changes. Techniques are not enough. Problems are revealed in relationships, and are healed in relationships. Feel free to contact Blair Counseling and Mediation anytime receive a call from a live and caring person who loves to talk!
If interested: Top Ten Stress Management Tips from the Bible
