“Death is like an assault on our pysche. It reminds of mortality and helplessness. It speaks of the brief time between birth and sleep. It steals the life out of you; ironically you long for rest and not life, after it appears. Death stirs faith and fear. It calls out to be reconciled, to be accepted, to be appreciated… The peace, the ultimate healing, the glories of Christ. Although breathing is what separates us from the lost, it is hard to breathe, hard to acknowledge that your body moves without effort, almost against your will, while they are still. For a moment the blood runs thick, seemingly slowing as you’ve just witnessed. But you are alive and cannot will it to stop, the blood flows, it almost hurts to feel it course through your tired body. Death calls to our need for comfort, our need for each other, to be told “it’s going to be ok”, but the lifeless body tells us otherwise. Such confusion. Such mixed messages. A part of life. Life, a part of death. The world continues, a tunnel of thoughts and feelings encase you. Stop! stop! You want the cars to stop moving, the people to stop talking, the world… Do you not know, death has come again. Death will always come. I knew it then and my heart and mind filled with dread, an inescapable dread, growing closer and closer to those I hold closest. Let go. Don’t hold on, for death will always steal what you love. You feel death in your mind, in your body, in your heart. You can never escape. That’s what death does” – (DREJS).
When a spouse dies, obviously it is a difficult time for anyone to deal with, but what are some of the types of feelings experienced?
The feelings experienced aren’t in a row. They are often experienced at the same time though one feeling may dominate at a given time. Often the initial feeling is one of shock or numbness, like after a “sucker punch.” It can leave you reeling not knowing what you feel. Fears or anxiety may be immediate or grow over time, or anger can dominate. Other typical emotions include profound sadness or emptiness, hopelessness, a sense of guilt, and fatigue and restlessness. The loss affects sleep, appetite, decision-making, and memory. You may feel ill or other physical symptoms.
What is worse about having a spouse die at a very young age?
No one is supposed to die young. People feel a profound sense of injustice. It is a lot more difficult to let go.
What are some of the signs that a person is not dealing very well?
Having difficult emotions is to be expected, along with preoccupation and a wish to escape. People especially need support when they are unable to refocus on self-care that is under their control. You may not be able to sleep, but can you take the time to rest? You may have no appetite, but can you eat something? Just don’t bury feelings in food, alcohol, anger, or TV or work. People do need help with practical things, like vacuuming or running errands. But if you are neglecting hygiene, unable to function at all, or have suicidal ideations, you should get immediate help.
What can people do to mourn and move past the loss?
Find support. Mourning should help you have your emotions, and not with the goal of moving past your loss. You will always feel the pain of your loss, just over time not as frequent. It will “show up” out of the blue. Setting aside time to remember your loved one is helpful over time, like finding a special place that can belong to the both of you. There, when you are ready, you can journal, look at pictures, and create a list of your loved one’s favorite qualities. You can slowly relive the parts of your live together, especially the days before death, and begin to find peace with it over time. Find a way to honor, commemorate, or celebrate your loved one’s life. But also change your life to reflect a new identity. Change daily patterns, or at least the furniture. But leave time for yourself.
How can they know they’ve moved on?
I don’t think the goal should be to move on in the way a lot of people conceptualize the idea, but to instead incorporate the loss and how you deal with the loss into your life. Finding a way to honor your loved one is important. You will never go back to being who you were, but you can live fully who you are now.
What are some local resources available for people who have lost a spouse?
Many churches, especially the larger ones, have grief groups, but don’t jump into an intense experience too soon. Other support can be found through hospitals, hospice and online.
Can you tell me a little bit more about your experience counseling people who have lost a spouse?
Grieving includes normal reactions to an event that you did not want that leaves you without what you cannot have. It is a devastating event after which requires years of rebuilding. The recovery reflects an ever-changing balance between releasing the emotions and thoughts about your loved one and finding peace, and refocusing on building a “new normal.”
