By Dan Blair, marriage counselor
All can agree that marriage was meant to be loving. We may differ when it comes to the breaking of a vow and what to do about it. Sometimes, a church may protect the institution of marriage over the individuals. When a spouse is abusive, destructive, indifferent, and deceitful towards a partner, the church may tell the injured spouse to forgive and try harder to make it work. The partner then gets the perks of married life without consequences. For a marriage to work, most would agree we need:
A uthenticity – a genuine desire to make it work
C ommitment – a dedication to the process
T ransparency – nothing to hide
Certainly living with contention in a marriage is not acceptable or healthy. Jesus warned against lording authority over others (Matthew 20:25–28). Proverbs reminds you that it is better to live a peaceful life alone, than a continually contentious life together (Proverbs 21:9; 25:24). Also, relying on someone who has broken trust is unwise (Proverbs 25:19). Jesus was known to set boundaries on those set out to hurt Him, except His willing sacrifice on the cross. The importance of boundaries is emphasized in Scripture (i. e. 1 Cor. 5:9, Eph. 5:11, 2 Tim. 3:1-5, Titus 3:10, Proverbs 19:19, Proverbs 29:1).
The Bible is clear on the damage that is done by unhealthy relationships.
- Reckless words pierce like a sword (Proverbs 12:18).
- Life and death is in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21).
- Your insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. (Psalm 69:20).
- Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).
- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth (Ephesians 4:29).
- If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself and your religion is worthless (James 1:26).
- And so blessings and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely my brother and sisters, this is not right. (James 3:10).
Furthermore, the Bible’s use of adultery in the Old and New Testament implies more than just the physical act of sexual unfaithfulness, and it is fundamentally understood as a breach of covenant or sacred vows. The word adultery is also used to describe spiritual unfaithfulness to God. In the Old Testament, God often portrayed his relationship with Israel as a marriage. When Israel turned to other gods, the prophets referred to this as adultery or prostitution (porneia). In Jeremiah 3:8, God divorced Israel.
The primary Greek word for adultery in the New Testament is moicheia, which literally refers to marital infidelity—sexual intercourse involving a married person who is not their spouse. However, it does not end there. The biblical understanding of adultery is rooted in its nature as a violation of the marriage covenant. Jesus expanded the narrow definition to include the internal, emotional dimension. He taught that “everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). The focus is on the broken fidelity in the heart, not just a behavior. James called people adulterers, saying, “Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?” (James 4:4). Here, adultery means breaking a vow in a much broader sense than just being sexually unfaithful.
Is marriage an unbreakable covenant? This is ideal, but not in all circumstances because we live in a sinful world. In the Old Testament, Moses allowed divorce under certain conditions (Deut. 24:1) protecting women (Exodus 21:11). When a covenant is broken, it is still broken even if a marriage is still legal. In the New Testament, we are called to God’s ideal: a loving relationship that lasts forever, with an exception made for adultery. Is adultery used in the most narrow sense, sexual infidelity, or in the broadest sense: the unrepentent breaking of one’s vow?
God’s plan for marriage includes safety and trust. In the Bible, when one refuses to repent, the relationship changes with new boundaries. Jesus calls us to love our enemies, but He doesn’t ask a person to live with his or her enemy, kiss them or be sexually intimate with them (all of which is part of a marriage). Does God value keeping a marriage together when it fosters sin and damage? Marriage was made for humans, not humans for marriage, just as the Sabbath was made for mankind, not mankind for the Sabbath (Mark 2:27). Jesus taught that God did not value legalistic Sabbath-keeping above the safety of even animals. One could say that God would not value legalistic commitment to marriage, even above the safety of a spouse. Hopefully, the church has steps to take to address this situation when it comes to a partner’s abuse, indifference, and deceit.
For those that are abused, separation and divorce is the first option. Ongoing conflict in a marriage has plenty of studies demonstrating harm, especially for kids. For others, divorce is the last option to get a sense that all avenues have been exhausted after broken vows because divorce has serious ramifications, especially for kids. Gaining perspective from prayer, one’s faith leaders, trusted individuals and experts in the field can help determine the right course of action.
For further exploration of what the Bible says about divorce, remarriage and leadership in the church see:
