By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.
Telling the kids can often be one of the toughest part of a divorce. The kid’s dream of a “normal” life with mom and dad loving each other dies hard. There is much lost even in a “good divorce” so make sure divorce is unavoidable. Research says that ongoing conflict affects kids deeply. For example, consider these lyrics by Tom Delonge:
Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems
They never solve them
It makes no sense at all
When telling kids about divorce, first make sure that the kid’s needs come first. Kids have:
- The right to love and be loved by both of your parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
- The right to be protected from your parents’ anger with each other.
- The right to be kept out of the middle of your parents’ conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
- The right not to have to choose one of your parents over the other.
- The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of your parents’ emotional problems.
- The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect your life.
- The right to not have to worry about financial issues.
- The right to have feelings, to express your feelings, and to have both parents listen to how you feel.
- The right to have a life that is a close as possible to what it would have been if your parents stayed together.
- The right to be a kid.
If divorce is unavoidable at least minimize the negative effects with a healthy process. Here are some guidelines:
- Tell the kids with the whole family present (unless there is potential for arguments or violence between the parents). Decide what each of you will say beforehand. Take turns giving information.
- When informing the kids about divorce, be straight-forward about the divorce, telling them that mom and dad will be getting a divorce, and what that will mean for them as far as logistics. Add any specific knowledge about what is going to happen that you know will happen to address their fears.
- Emphasize that this is in no way their fault, and there is nothing they can do to prevent it. This is an adult decision related to a general issue, like we argue too much, we can’t agree on important issues related to our relationship, we have changed over time, etc. No specific blame on the other parent. While kids are curious, they don’t have the understanding or coping skills to deal with marital issues. Kids also take attacks on a parent personally. Emphasize that the problems in the marriage will not happen between parents and kids, and that they will be supported, loved, and protected by both parents.
- Address four primary negative emotions:
- Anger: Kids have a right to feel angry because their world is going to be turned upside down. Tell them that frustration and anger is allowed. Give examples of good ways to express it.
- Fear: Ask your kids what they think divorce means. Ask them what they are afraid of happening and tell them how the parents will handle it. Kids are often unaware that they fear abandonment. Counter fears by giving details on what the kids can expect, like when transitions will occur, where mom and dad will live, and what will be the family schedule for seeing mom and dad. Don’t give them more to worry about. Tell them that everything is going to be as normal as possible and that they will have open communication with both parents.
- Sadness: Tell the kids that mom and dad once loved each other. Mention good times the family experienced, even if it was a long time ago. Affirm the good so the kids can accept the bad.
- Guilt: Kids may feel shame about the divorce. Let your kids know that they did nothing to cause the divorce. Both mom and dad will learn from this but there is nothing can be done to make the marriage work and there is nothing the kids can do to make the marriage work.
Tell the kids that it is ok to be angry, sad or have questions. We don’t say bad things about the other parent, but otherwise we will answer questions. Ask the kids what questions they may have, and look for ways to reassure them. Each parent should take responsibility for their part in the loss of marriage; however kids do not need to know details of each parent’s faults.
