The book called let them theory has sold 1.2 million copies in its first month alone. It’s a popular book by Mel Robbins. It’s purported to give people inner freedom in their relationships. This is not a book review, but considers how the theory may apply to you.
Let Them Theory is about prioritizing peace over attempts to control somebody including your spouse, kids, and others. It’s about taking your power back through self-control, which is a positive quality. Loving another person is not defined as pressuring them to do the right thing, or expecting them to be responsible for your happiness.
Some people are in love with their expectations of a person more than the actual person. For example, I used to take it personally when I felt like my wife was not following through on something, and then I realized how much she loves me even if she does not follow through. I love her for who she is, not what she could be. I do not even want to imagine how I have disappointed my wife in the past. For example, she is an extrovert and I am an introvert. As time went on I feel she has accepted me for who I am. A question for yourself is who are you in a relationship with, the actual person or who you wish they were?
Maintaining expectations on others for others can also be an energy drain. You know how hard it is to change yourself? Perhaps you can understand how much effort and what little chance you have in changing others. Does it help you enjoy life? Where else could all that energy go? In which relationships do you find yourself playing problem-solver, and what would happen if you allowed those individuals to manage their own conflict?
So the idea behind the book is to let them fail. It is the only way to grow. Let them learn to take responsibility for their actions.
This is not to say that we should enable behavior. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have presented this concept well in their book Boundaries, which I think is among one of the most important books to read related to mental health.
Another Christian perspective besides Henry Cloud and John Townsend is from a YouTube video featuring Maryl De Milo. She said that Jesus practiced this theory. He never chased after people. He knew their heart and he was invitational. He did not attempt to overpower people with His own agenda, even though he could have. Jesus found his self-worth in God the Father, not other people. He definitely was not accepted by most people.
You could say that about God today. God doesn’t overpower people to make them believe. He exhibits power under restraint. And as I can attest to, he allows us to fail. In fact, I think God is more interested in our faithfulness than our success.
When we notice ourselves trying to change others. We can ask ourselves:
What’s our positive intention?
What are we afraid of?
How can I shift responsibility back to self-control?
What pattern do you notice in the people you’re most drawn to romantically or in close friendship, and how does this pattern relate to unresolved relationships from your past?
What do you do that grows resentment in you, and what truth needs to be spoken before the resentment damages the relationship and your wellbeing?
