By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.
Supervised visitation is centered on maintaining or building a relationship between child and parent. If both parents provide a clear show of support for the importance of a relationship with both parents, the positive effects on the kids over time is powerful. It says that the kids are more important than the parent’s differences. In the case of domestic violence, abuse or neglect, kids and both parents would need to be prepared by a counselor who has been trained in domestic violence, abuse and neglect. Supervised visitation is about parents working together with a neutral third party to create a sense of safety. It gives the kids a sense of peace that parents will be okay and that a relationship with each parent will be okay. It is a chance at positive, consistent and calm interaction.
During the time together, activities and conversation about a variety of topics is facilitated. While it is not counseling or therapy, visitation supervised by a counselor has the advantage of available interventions designed to redirect communication in such a way that it is productive and resolves conflict. All participants agree how to express themselves, to not talk negatively about others, and avoid asking children to convey information about the other parent. It is in the child’s best interest that neither parent does not intentionally do anything to impair the natural development of the children’s love and respect for the other parent.
Research indicates that not only do children benefit from a relationship with both parents, but in retrospect, children wish they had more time with the non-custodial parent and that children can still feel rejected by estranged and alienated parents. Adult children reported that they wish someone had helped them with their relationship with the “other” parent.
It is essential that both parents are at ease with this process. The emotions of the parents affect the experience of the children. “It is easy to see how toxic parents can become in their ability to serve as a secure base or a haven of safety when they get so preoccupied with their own needs, pride, shame, or selfishness, or their anger at the other parent over betrayal or humiliation. How can I comfort my child when I myself am frightened? How can I tolerate my child having successes under your supervision if it is all about me, not about them?” (Everett Waters). Addressing each parent’s concerns to reduce anxiety helps increase success with supervised visitation.
