There’s no one cause to divorce. Researchers point to a spike in divorce between five and seven years of marriage due to high conflict and between ten and twelve years due to loss of intimacy and connection. Recently, there are more divorces seen in the “baby boomer” generation. This generation is among the first to see divorce as a more acceptable option, and more are entering this age group already divorced. Other contributing factors to all divorces include family history, anger and addictions.
Common reasons people over 50 are divorcing include anger issues, abuse, infidelity, and addiction. Many are already divorced, or have waited for the kids to be on their own before making changes. These changes stem from a mid-life crisis, or from postponing personal happiness for so long people find it an appropriate time to divorce. Plus, life expectancies are longer.
Battered by the economy and subject to longer life spans, people are left with little financial cushion. Divorce divides what people have left and taps into insurance and medical expenses, property division (including house, cars, etc.), assets and liabilities, retirement plans, and business valuations. These have to be split in an equitable way. Divorce also creates a need for additional financial spousal support.
Signs of divorce include the frequency of criticism and defensiveness leading to contempt and refusals to engage in the marriage. Here are ten of the top signs your marriage is headed for trouble.
- A wall of resentment has been built brick by brick. Depending on how the spouse handles anger and resentment, that wall is not coming down, so intimate feelings and thoughts will not survive.
- A pattern of negative thinking about the spouse and the relationship is entrenched, so that positive feelings are no longer available.
- Loneliness in the relationship or an inability to have fun with each other. A good adventure can be more bonding than sex.
- Continuous criticism turns into contempt.
- One spouse suffocates another with demands.
- A spouse is continuously on the defense.
- Nearly all of one’s energy is poured into other endeavors besides the relationship.
- Someone special is waiting in the wings, or the thought is “I can do better.”
- No trust = no relationship.
- No external source of hope and commitment, such as God.
The challenge in saving a marriage is overcoming negative patterns that are entrenched over time. Usually, resentments have left one of the spouses with a loss of interest in the relationship and a belief that their partner will never change. With this belief, promises for a better future are ineffective. If one spouse has lost interest in the marriage and is spending time fantasizing about the possibility of someone else (or is actually spending time with someone else) the marriage has a lower chance of recovery. Giving the disinterested partner space is associated with a better outcome than putting pressure or guilt on the disinterested partner. Instead, make personal changes more in line with the kind of spouse you would like to be. Develop your own identity and self-confidence because those changes give you the best chance at being an attractive partner and will help if divorce is unavoidable. Other considerations to save a marriage include knowing what makes you and your partner feel loved, focusing on what you appreciate about your spouse, and responding to bids for reconnection.
The age of the forties, fifties, and sixties is a time to redefine one’s self after raising kids, settling in a career, or to confront dissatisfaction in life. One’s marriage is often reevaluated during this time. The marriage sinks or swims. Treat your spouse like a best friend, overlook irritations, create excitement in your life and share it with your partner. Create rituals and traditions and support each other’s dreams.
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<a href=”http://www.blaircounseling.com”>The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.</a>