Here are ten of the top signs your marriage is headed for unwanted divorce. In the following examples, a couple may have to “divorce” the old relationship and start over, but also repair major negative events in the relationship. This involves a commitment to a proven process of change, along with self-sustaining motivation. One can look down the list and see how one step can lead to another, or each may stand alone as a barrier to being the kind of spouse one would like to be in the relationship.

1. A wall of resentment has been built brick by brick. Depending on how the spouse handles anger and resentment, that wall is not coming down, so intimate feelings and thoughts will not survive.
2. A pattern of negative thinking about the spouse and the relationship is entrenched, so that positive feelings are no longer available.
3. Loneliness in the relationship or an inability to have fun with each other. A good adventure can be more bonding than sex.
4. Continuous criticism turns into contempt.
5. One spouse suffocates another with demands.
6. A spouse is continuously on the defense.
7. Nearly all of one’s energy is poured into other endeavors besides the relationship.
8. Someone special is waiting in the wings, or the thought is “I can do better.”
9. No trust = no relationship.
10. No external source of hope and commitment, such as God.

Henry Cloud in his book Necessary Endings requires eight conditions for trusting change.

1. Involvement in a proven change process that is known to be capable of bringing results.
2. There should be a “time and place” structure to the change process. i.e. “I will attend this x every week at x time.”
3. New information and knowledge is specified and applied.
4. New experiences, skills, and abilities. The “how” and “when” should be specified.
5. Self-sustaining motivation, as opposed to being constantly pushed into change.
6. The ability to say, “I need some help.”
7. A support group to give energy.
8. A visible process of change. This does not mean that all is well or done, but that “something” is happening.

The author Dan Blair is a marriage counselor at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 31st, 2011 at 5:36 pm and is filed under Divorce Mediation, save marriage, Unwanted Divorce. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.