To say that a parent’s attachment to his or her kids is strong may be a negative statement. Attachment is described as secure and insecure, so it is possible to have a strong attachment that is insecure. Read the rest of this entry »
Is My Marriage Over?
August 31st, 2011Here are ten of the top signs your marriage is headed for unwanted divorce. In the following examples, a couple may have to “divorce” the old relationship and start over, but also repair major negative events in the relationship. This involves a commitment to a proven process of change, along with self-sustaining motivation. One can look down the list and see how one step can lead to another, or each may stand alone as a barrier to being the kind of spouse one would like to be in the relationship.
- A wall of resentment has been built brick by brick. Depending on how the spouse handles anger and resentment, that wall is not coming down, so intimate feelings and thoughts will not survive.
- A pattern of negative thinking about the spouse and the relationship is entrenched, so that positive feelings are no longer available.
- Loneliness in the relationship or an inability to have fun with each other. A good adventure can be more bonding than sex.
- Continuous criticism turns into contempt.
- One spouse suffocates another with demands.
- A spouse is continuously on the defense.
- Nearly all of one’s energy is poured into other endeavors besides the relationship.
- Someone special is waiting in the wings, or the thought is “I can do better.”
- No trust = no relationship.
- No external source of hope and commitment, such as God.
Henry Cloud in his book Necessary Endings requires eight conditions for trusting change.
- Involvement in a proven change process that is known to be capable of bringing results.
- There should be a “time and place” structure to the change process. i.e. “I will attend this x every week at x time.”
- New information and knowledge is specified and applied.
- New experiences, skills, and abilities. The “how” and “when” should be specified.
- Self-sustaining motivation, as opposed to being constantly pushed into change.
- The ability to say, “I need some help.”
- A support group to give energy.
- A visible process of change. This does not mean that all is well or done, but that “something” is happening.
The author Dan Blair is a marriage counselor at Blair Counseling and Mediation.
Working with Counselors and Court
August 23rd, 2011Working with the Court in managing chaotic situations involving children and counseling is challenging and requires an additional set of skills. This article should help to evaluate court-involved counseling. It is important to know how counseling will affect the legal process and how the legal process will affect counseling. Read the rest of this entry »
Reunification Therapy with Estranged and Alienated Parents
August 8th, 2011Aside from abuse, children generally benefit from a relationship with both mom and dad. Read the rest of this entry »
What is Parenting Coordination?
January 4th, 2011Parenting coordination is a future trend and a viable option to custody battles. When parents are not able come to an agreement regarding their children a parent coordinator will mediate the issue. If parents are still not able to come to an agreement a parent coordinator gathers information to make a decision in the child’s best interest. Read the rest of this entry »
How One Parent Undermines the Other Parent
December 27th, 2010Much of the time one parent does not realize what they are doing. The effect on the kids is unnoticed. It is usually experienced by the child as stress, tension, anxiety, guilt and depression. Kids may act out or hide it. Parents usually justify it.
What is “it?” On the moderate side it is undermining the other parent and it can lead to alienation. Read the rest of this entry »
Parenting after Divorce
September 22nd, 2010Parenting after divorce presents new challenges. Each parent will have their own rules and approach. The kids have to learn that mom and dad’s house is different. The rule remains though that both parents will have better outcomes if they back each other up.
Often when one thinks of disciplining kids you think of angry exchanges with both sides feeling frustrated and misunderstood. Read the rest of this entry »
How to Tell Kids about Divorce
September 22nd, 2010Telling the kids is often described as the toughest part of a divorce. The kid’s dream of a “normal” life with mom and dad loving each other dies hard. There is much lost even in a “good divorce” so make sure divorce is unavoidable. Research says that ongoing conflict or an unloving home can be worse than a divorce. Read the rest of this entry »
Is Divorce a Sin?
September 15th, 2010Churches proclaim divorce to be a sin with certain exceptions. These exceptions depend on which church you attend. Some believe divorce is a sin unless there is sexual infidelity, but what about abuse or neglect of a spouse? Read the rest of this entry »